Glimpses 3 (Trapped)
Joe Clark ~~ Oct 26, 2005

So, here's some life detail information for you. My dad went in for a physical a few weeks ago, and that led to 1) a stricter diet to try to lower blood sugar and blood pressure and cholesterol (all of which were borderline high), and 2) a colonoscopy. The colonoscopy in turn led to the finding of six polyps, one of which they found cancer cells in. So, yesterday was the consultation with the surgeon, and of course their only advice was, "get that bad part of your colon out ASAP."

Whew. That's a lot of stuff to think about. And yet, I feel (once again) like I've been oblivious to it to some extent. I go on about my life, doing what I do, with these problems in the back of my mind. I have my whoah moments (see the previous entry), but for whatever reason it seems like sometimes I don't take them seriously enough. [ What's wrong with me? ] Maybe it's my own special form of denial?

So now my dad needs to decide whether to have the surgery or not. Of course the price is astronomical. And of course that shouldn't matter. And to an extent, the discussion of late hasn't just been about cost. It's been about "life," and more accurately how negative it is. Negativity all over the place! And I understand where he's coming from (I would probably be negative too in his place). But I get tired of it. I mean, I don't understand how he or anyone else can go on without some ray of hope. Now, I'm sure somewhere inside he does have a ray of hope -- I think we all have to have some ray of hope just to get through the day -- and I tried to get him to think about that. I'm not sure if I got my point across or not.

Another thing is that my dad's "people net" (the people he gains support and joy from) is very small. So... in contrast if I had issues in life, I could find a pretty large number of people that I could seek out for advice or (more likely) comfort. But with such a small net, it just leads to loneliness (or a few people getting dumped on, which is sorta the case here, but not to an extreme, at least not yet). It's not a nice state to be in. So, word of advice, don't isolate yourself from other people.

And, finally, I'll ask an annoying question, "Where is God in all of this?" I ponder about God and think about Him and my relationship with Him and His activity in the world and His presence in my life and all that, but, given a situation that arises, all the pondering in the world doesn't help much. All the logical reasoning seems cold and not overly useful. I need to have all this stuff fixed in my mind ahead of time so that I can enter trialful situations with some assurance, not with a pile of questions of my own. But I don't have my "ducks in order" in this respect. And, I can't speak for my dad, but I'm guessing he has some unanswered God questions too. So, word of advice, don't neglect seeking the presence of God now (whatever state you're in), because someday, it will behoove you to know the answers, rather than to be trying to find God in the middle of a mess.

So, anyway, as for my title, I feel a little trapped. Trapped in a house of negative thinking. And I don't like that. I feel my youthful idealism slipping away, because of this stuff going on and life in general. I maintain my hope, but that gets harder when I watch my elders living, so it would seem, in spite of hope (who am I to judge his heart, I know). And of course we are both (we are all) trapped in bodies that work fine, and then sooner or later don't work fine anymore. And we are trapped in a world where there are a LOT of questions about God's will and how God works and if God heals and when God heals and a million other things. And we are trapped in a system of healthcare that is very good, but very expensive, and without guarantees of being "good enough." We are trapped in lives where we are told, "Eat lots of fiber, get lots of exercise, eat your vegetables, etc etc" but there are no guarantees that such measures will really produce in us a life full of years without physical pain and anguish.

And there you have it. A pretty nice little snippet of my life behind the computer screen at the moment. I'm probably not as "depressed" about it as I sound. But the negative attitudes rub off on me I suppose. I want to think about life in joyful terms, and think about God as that close, intimate Creator, and think about my body as being as good and reliable as I make it (with diet and exercise), but neither of those things are always for certain. Bleh. Such is life.